Citrine ❬#668❭ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
citrinitas_668) wrote2008-07-05 01:25 am
citrinitas_668) wrote2008-07-05 01:25 am
✗15
...
...
I am all right now.
For the record... absolutely nothing happened. The past entries are...non existent. ... It was delirium, nothing more. A short moment of weakness that won't surface again.
I'm not as pathetic as those who die from this dream curse.
I'm not sure how I feel about... this. I... suppose I envy him, a little. Never having restrictions, as leader, never...having to fight for Father's approval and attention. He doesn't...understand what it's like.
Female types were rare to begin with... those who were created died shortly after... the only reason I made it is because... I am a Variant. I had a duty, and that duty kept me alive. If I hadn't been given this duty--would I have withered away and been disposed of, just like all those others?
...
Why are we allowed to continue to exist? ...Why do we exist at all? Why did Rubedo break the link and run away? How did he manage to see something outside our purpose, after he broke that one promise between all of us? I never understood. Abandoning one's purpose... isn't that the same as denying your own existence? I never could... I never wanted to. I wanted only Father's approval... to be useful, to do what I was created for, to...
But I failed.
A failure, who might have not forgotten her duty... but failed to fulfill it.
And that... makes me worse than Rubedo will ever be.
Pathetic. Beaten, by a deserter, no less.
....
Why did you have to fake concern, Rubedo? Why do you have to pretend that you care? We both know that you and I will never be able to co-exist peacefully. There is nothing I could pity more than you and your entire existence.
But...
You... you were there ...when Father walked away. Even when I tried to strangle you.
You confuse me.
...
I am all right now.
For the record... absolutely nothing happened. The past entries are...non existent. ... It was delirium, nothing more. A short moment of weakness that won't surface again.
I'm not as pathetic as those who die from this dream curse.
I'm not sure how I feel about... this. I... suppose I envy him, a little. Never having restrictions, as leader, never...having to fight for Father's approval and attention. He doesn't...understand what it's like.
Female types were rare to begin with... those who were created died shortly after... the only reason I made it is because... I am a Variant. I had a duty, and that duty kept me alive. If I hadn't been given this duty--would I have withered away and been disposed of, just like all those others?
...
Why are we allowed to continue to exist? ...Why do we exist at all? Why did Rubedo break the link and run away? How did he manage to see something outside our purpose, after he broke that one promise between all of us? I never understood. Abandoning one's purpose... isn't that the same as denying your own existence? I never could... I never wanted to. I wanted only Father's approval... to be useful, to do what I was created for, to...
But I failed.
A failure, who might have not forgotten her duty... but failed to fulfill it.
And that... makes me worse than Rubedo will ever be.
Pathetic. Beaten, by a deserter, no less.
....
Why did you have to fake concern, Rubedo? Why do you have to pretend that you care? We both know that you and I will never be able to co-exist peacefully. There is nothing I could pity more than you and your entire existence.
But...
You... you were there ...when Father walked away. Even when I tried to strangle you.
You confuse me.